My mind has been consumed by it for the last 24 hours. I woke up in a cold sweat last night, almost convinced that I imagined it in a fever dream. But no. Flipping open my laptop today and clocking into work, the inescapable truth was still waiting there, staring me in the face and daring me to acknowledge the grim reality.
“The bastards did it. They gave Kirby a gun.”
In fresh Kirby and the Forgotten Land footage released yesterday, Nintendo highlighted some of the copy abilities that will be available to the eponymous pink puffball in the upcoming game. Classics like Fire, Hammer, and Bomb obviously made the cut, joined by an all-new power known simply as Ranger. After sucking up an enemy with this ability, Kirby dons a pith helmet (eyes emoji) and equips a pistol for dispatching foes.
Yes, you read that right. A pistol. Folks are calling it a “blunderbuss” but, either way, that’s still a gun. They gave Kirby a gun. Just look at him take aim at this poor hedgehog. Does Kirby even eat meat, or is he finally free to live out his violent, gun-related fantasies in Forgotten Land’s post-apocalyptic environments? I can’t help but view Kirby now as one of those doomsday preppers just itching for a zombie outbreak.
That’s not to say this is the first time we’ve seen Kirby employ deadly weaponry since he debuted almost 30 years ago.
The first game to feature his iconic copy abilities, 1993’s Kirby’s Adventure, introduced series mainstays like Sword and Laser, both of which can obviously do some damage in real life. Since then, Kirby’s graduated to violently suplexing enemies in 1996’s Kirby Super Star and even spitting out heat-seeking missiles in 2000’s Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards.
And, yes, while Kirby can pick up and use an assortment of blasters in Super Smash Bros., he’s never wielded firearms in a proper Kirby game before.
Frankly, I’m not sad or angry or anything like that. I don’t have the energy for those kinds of big emotions anymore. There’s just something darkly hilarious about seeing a character as cute as Kirby, who lives in a dream-like world of imagination, snuffing out similarly adorable baddies with a pistol alongside playful footage of him fishing and taking beachside snoozes.
King Dedede better watch his ass.